It's been a busy day, we're currently in the process of moving offices so I had to get to work by 6am this morning after finishing work last it at 23:00.
Yesterday was a tough day for me. I was once again subjected to abuse by my ex wife. Where things like "you deserve all he misery that comes to you. Really, i hope you know that" or "you disgust me" we're said.
How does one even begin to deal with such harsh words? Words that are intended for one thing and one thing only - to hurt.
I admit I've made a lot of bad decisions, and I've been selfish with my actions, never thinking about the consequences because I felt entitled to do what I wanted. I know that I've hurt a lot of people with my actions and some day I will need to make amends to them, but right now is not the time. I first need to sort myself out.
The 16th of June was a turning point in my life. In some ways one could say it was my birthday. This was the day that the burden of my secrets were lifted off my shoulders. Things I had kept secret for so many years finally coming into the open.
I started becoming brutally honest with the world, I made myself vulnerable for the entire world to see - work, family, friends. It was at this point that i realised that my marriage was over. I was so consumed with shame and guilt that there was no way I could salvage what was left of our broken relationship. I didn't know how to make things right and "I'm sorry" or "I'll change" had lost their meaning. They were just words and nothing more.
It's scary how I had become a product of my families character defects and how it shaped my life and the decisions I made.
I felt truly and deeply sorry for situation I had caused. How did everything get so out of control? I feel like I had just woken up from a nightmare only to realise that the nightmare was reality. I guess I still feel sorry for myself and I internalise a lot of my pain without working through it. Probably not the best thing to do as this is what got me into my situation in the first place.
My problem now is, who can I trust enough to show them who I really am? Who can I share my story with, and if I share it, will it cause more pain or will it help me come to terms with who I really am?
I still consider myself a bad person, even though on occasions I say that I am a good person and l that I deserve happiness. Its very difficult to see past the trail of destruction and find anything positive to say about myself.
My past decisions have lead to so much pain and grief, that I can't even begin to comprehend what the people I've hurt are going through. I'm grateful that my daughter is so young, but she's clever and eventually (if she doesn't already) she will realise that dad doesn't live at home anymore.
I'm sad for her, I couldn't give her that which I never had. On the other hand, now that I know what my problem is and what my character defects are I don't need to subject her to my issues on a daily basis.
I swore to myself that I would break this cycle, I want my little one to grow up happy knowing that I love her dearly and that I will always do what I can to be there for her.
I'm sad that my actions have stripped me from any/all rights that I had for my daughter. But these are consequences of my actions.
I now need to show that I can lead a life with honesty and integrity.
Last night I trusted someone that wasn't part of my process with my story. She asked me to be honest with her and that's exactly what I wanted to do. After all I like her. Maybe I'm naive, I don't know - she's just so amazing and I get this sense of calmness around her. As if life is going to be okay, and that the pain is only temporary. I guess I feel "normal" when I talk to her, I feel like that there is still light at the end of the tunnel.
What is normal? I don't know anymore! I feel like I can't connect with people that haven't had proper life experience. That have experienced pain and trauma and learned to cope as best as they could with their situation.
I wrote earlier that I felt so alone. I've lost my family, and that touch and nurturing that I so yearn for is no longer present in my life. All my actions, the way I deal with emotions - it all boils down to not getting that love and care when it was most needed in my childhood. My "Template" was pretty screwed from the start now that I think about it.
Anyways, if you're still reading this, I'm grateful. Thank you for your time and gave a good evening.
Sleep well - you know who you are.
/K
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