It's been a frantic past few days with the office move and all the emotions flying around the place.
I guess I'm still coming to grips with all the sudden changes in my life. I'm starting to slowly start feeling real emotions and I tend to get overwhelmed a lot of the time.
How do I deal with emotions I never thought I had or knew existed? I've been told to just sit with them and try to process what I'm feeling or write about them.
I've stopped numbing my pain by acting out like I used to in the past, and now realise what an effect my way of numbing my pain has had on my life...
It's scary to think that I thought what I was doing was normal. Maybe its normal for others but not for me, for me it can get out of control and quickly.
I'm in good spirits today, went to a meeting and saw a lot of old friends. It's nice to know that I'm not alone out there struggling through life. And that there are people out there that do truly care about what I have to say, or when they ask how I'm doing it's genuine.
I need to surround myself with more friends that are authentic and that are real.
No matter how deep my pain and heart ache is and how alone I feel I do actually have a lot of friends around me that do give a damn about me. I just pray that I don't disappoint them like I've disappointed others in the past.
Im feeling confident that I will be happy again one day, and that this pain is only temporary.
I'm sitting in a coffee bar called truth, which is so what my life needs to be about. Not only is the coffee great but I can sit and think here and not be distracted.
I might go to the beach front just now and watch the waves crash on the rocks.
I'm so happy I moved back to SA, and have access to nature again! This truly is a magical country we live in, with it's majestic oceans and mountains and it's beautiful wildlife.
That's it for me for now, I might check back later.
/K
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Saturday, 22 September 2012
A sucker for punishment
Another manic day has passed. I started work at 6:30 this morning and finished at 22:00 tonight. As mention in my previous post we're in the process of moving offices.
I'm happy that we didn't throw in the towel early and stayed behind to get most of the hardware up and running. I don't like leaving things unfinished, I'll always sacrifice something to ensure that whatever I need to do gets done and done properly.
I had a run in with my team leader today, he was having a hissy fit because the other team leader involved in managing the project was doing a better job of getting the job done than he did. Also I think he can see that we're getting on a lot better with his ex nemesis than he had hoped us to do.
After much childishness I decided to clear the air and we spoke about the issues we had and all was fine.
I deactivated my Facebook account tonight, too many memories, too much heartache and pain on there. I always contemplated doing it but never went through with it because I still wanted some connection to my ex. After the things she said to me I've come to the conclusion that I will only engage in a conversation with her if it's regarding our daughter. I won't give her the time of day anymore.
Making this decision was really difficult because I'm such a co-dependent.
I read the following verse this morning "some of us are able to love ourselves only as long as it doesn't inconvenience or cause pain to others". I guess I need to stop letting others have so much control over me. I make myself vulnerable way to easily and most of the time those people that I trust with my stuff don't really have my bet interest a heart.
I guess for the time being I need to live my life in consultation and solitude. I need to reconnect with my higher power and become more spiritual, handing over that which I'm having trouble coping with.
I'm grateful to be alive.
I'm grateful to be clean.
I'm grateful to have a beautiful daughter in my life.
I'm grateful to have a roof over my head.
I'm grateful to have clarity.
Anyways, I've worked about 50 hours in the past 3 days so I'm going to go to bed.
I haven't heard from you. Im sorry if I offended you in any way.
Sleep well world.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I'm happy that we didn't throw in the towel early and stayed behind to get most of the hardware up and running. I don't like leaving things unfinished, I'll always sacrifice something to ensure that whatever I need to do gets done and done properly.
I had a run in with my team leader today, he was having a hissy fit because the other team leader involved in managing the project was doing a better job of getting the job done than he did. Also I think he can see that we're getting on a lot better with his ex nemesis than he had hoped us to do.
After much childishness I decided to clear the air and we spoke about the issues we had and all was fine.
I deactivated my Facebook account tonight, too many memories, too much heartache and pain on there. I always contemplated doing it but never went through with it because I still wanted some connection to my ex. After the things she said to me I've come to the conclusion that I will only engage in a conversation with her if it's regarding our daughter. I won't give her the time of day anymore.
Making this decision was really difficult because I'm such a co-dependent.
I read the following verse this morning "some of us are able to love ourselves only as long as it doesn't inconvenience or cause pain to others". I guess I need to stop letting others have so much control over me. I make myself vulnerable way to easily and most of the time those people that I trust with my stuff don't really have my bet interest a heart.
I guess for the time being I need to live my life in consultation and solitude. I need to reconnect with my higher power and become more spiritual, handing over that which I'm having trouble coping with.
I'm grateful to be alive.
I'm grateful to be clean.
I'm grateful to have a beautiful daughter in my life.
I'm grateful to have a roof over my head.
I'm grateful to have clarity.
Anyways, I've worked about 50 hours in the past 3 days so I'm going to go to bed.
I haven't heard from you. Im sorry if I offended you in any way.
Sleep well world.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Friday, 21 September 2012
Life on lifes terms
It's been a busy day, we're currently in the process of moving offices so I had to get to work by 6am this morning after finishing work last it at 23:00.
Yesterday was a tough day for me. I was once again subjected to abuse by my ex wife. Where things like "you deserve all he misery that comes to you. Really, i hope you know that" or "you disgust me" we're said.
How does one even begin to deal with such harsh words? Words that are intended for one thing and one thing only - to hurt.
I admit I've made a lot of bad decisions, and I've been selfish with my actions, never thinking about the consequences because I felt entitled to do what I wanted. I know that I've hurt a lot of people with my actions and some day I will need to make amends to them, but right now is not the time. I first need to sort myself out.
The 16th of June was a turning point in my life. In some ways one could say it was my birthday. This was the day that the burden of my secrets were lifted off my shoulders. Things I had kept secret for so many years finally coming into the open.
I started becoming brutally honest with the world, I made myself vulnerable for the entire world to see - work, family, friends. It was at this point that i realised that my marriage was over. I was so consumed with shame and guilt that there was no way I could salvage what was left of our broken relationship. I didn't know how to make things right and "I'm sorry" or "I'll change" had lost their meaning. They were just words and nothing more.
It's scary how I had become a product of my families character defects and how it shaped my life and the decisions I made.
I felt truly and deeply sorry for situation I had caused. How did everything get so out of control? I feel like I had just woken up from a nightmare only to realise that the nightmare was reality. I guess I still feel sorry for myself and I internalise a lot of my pain without working through it. Probably not the best thing to do as this is what got me into my situation in the first place.
My problem now is, who can I trust enough to show them who I really am? Who can I share my story with, and if I share it, will it cause more pain or will it help me come to terms with who I really am?
I still consider myself a bad person, even though on occasions I say that I am a good person and l that I deserve happiness. Its very difficult to see past the trail of destruction and find anything positive to say about myself.
My past decisions have lead to so much pain and grief, that I can't even begin to comprehend what the people I've hurt are going through. I'm grateful that my daughter is so young, but she's clever and eventually (if she doesn't already) she will realise that dad doesn't live at home anymore.
I'm sad for her, I couldn't give her that which I never had. On the other hand, now that I know what my problem is and what my character defects are I don't need to subject her to my issues on a daily basis.
I swore to myself that I would break this cycle, I want my little one to grow up happy knowing that I love her dearly and that I will always do what I can to be there for her.
I'm sad that my actions have stripped me from any/all rights that I had for my daughter. But these are consequences of my actions.
I now need to show that I can lead a life with honesty and integrity.
Last night I trusted someone that wasn't part of my process with my story. She asked me to be honest with her and that's exactly what I wanted to do. After all I like her. Maybe I'm naive, I don't know - she's just so amazing and I get this sense of calmness around her. As if life is going to be okay, and that the pain is only temporary. I guess I feel "normal" when I talk to her, I feel like that there is still light at the end of the tunnel.
What is normal? I don't know anymore! I feel like I can't connect with people that haven't had proper life experience. That have experienced pain and trauma and learned to cope as best as they could with their situation.
I wrote earlier that I felt so alone. I've lost my family, and that touch and nurturing that I so yearn for is no longer present in my life. All my actions, the way I deal with emotions - it all boils down to not getting that love and care when it was most needed in my childhood. My "Template" was pretty screwed from the start now that I think about it.
Anyways, if you're still reading this, I'm grateful. Thank you for your time and gave a good evening.
Sleep well - you know who you are.
/K
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Yesterday was a tough day for me. I was once again subjected to abuse by my ex wife. Where things like "you deserve all he misery that comes to you. Really, i hope you know that" or "you disgust me" we're said.
How does one even begin to deal with such harsh words? Words that are intended for one thing and one thing only - to hurt.
I admit I've made a lot of bad decisions, and I've been selfish with my actions, never thinking about the consequences because I felt entitled to do what I wanted. I know that I've hurt a lot of people with my actions and some day I will need to make amends to them, but right now is not the time. I first need to sort myself out.
The 16th of June was a turning point in my life. In some ways one could say it was my birthday. This was the day that the burden of my secrets were lifted off my shoulders. Things I had kept secret for so many years finally coming into the open.
I started becoming brutally honest with the world, I made myself vulnerable for the entire world to see - work, family, friends. It was at this point that i realised that my marriage was over. I was so consumed with shame and guilt that there was no way I could salvage what was left of our broken relationship. I didn't know how to make things right and "I'm sorry" or "I'll change" had lost their meaning. They were just words and nothing more.
It's scary how I had become a product of my families character defects and how it shaped my life and the decisions I made.
I felt truly and deeply sorry for situation I had caused. How did everything get so out of control? I feel like I had just woken up from a nightmare only to realise that the nightmare was reality. I guess I still feel sorry for myself and I internalise a lot of my pain without working through it. Probably not the best thing to do as this is what got me into my situation in the first place.
My problem now is, who can I trust enough to show them who I really am? Who can I share my story with, and if I share it, will it cause more pain or will it help me come to terms with who I really am?
I still consider myself a bad person, even though on occasions I say that I am a good person and l that I deserve happiness. Its very difficult to see past the trail of destruction and find anything positive to say about myself.
My past decisions have lead to so much pain and grief, that I can't even begin to comprehend what the people I've hurt are going through. I'm grateful that my daughter is so young, but she's clever and eventually (if she doesn't already) she will realise that dad doesn't live at home anymore.
I'm sad for her, I couldn't give her that which I never had. On the other hand, now that I know what my problem is and what my character defects are I don't need to subject her to my issues on a daily basis.
I swore to myself that I would break this cycle, I want my little one to grow up happy knowing that I love her dearly and that I will always do what I can to be there for her.
I'm sad that my actions have stripped me from any/all rights that I had for my daughter. But these are consequences of my actions.
I now need to show that I can lead a life with honesty and integrity.
Last night I trusted someone that wasn't part of my process with my story. She asked me to be honest with her and that's exactly what I wanted to do. After all I like her. Maybe I'm naive, I don't know - she's just so amazing and I get this sense of calmness around her. As if life is going to be okay, and that the pain is only temporary. I guess I feel "normal" when I talk to her, I feel like that there is still light at the end of the tunnel.
What is normal? I don't know anymore! I feel like I can't connect with people that haven't had proper life experience. That have experienced pain and trauma and learned to cope as best as they could with their situation.
I wrote earlier that I felt so alone. I've lost my family, and that touch and nurturing that I so yearn for is no longer present in my life. All my actions, the way I deal with emotions - it all boils down to not getting that love and care when it was most needed in my childhood. My "Template" was pretty screwed from the start now that I think about it.
Anyways, if you're still reading this, I'm grateful. Thank you for your time and gave a good evening.
Sleep well - you know who you are.
/K
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Who am I?
I don't know the answer to this question.
It feels like my entire life is a lie. I've hidden my true face from everyone, too sacred and ashamed of being rejected, of being alone of being judged.
How can I make decisions with confidence if every decision I've made in my past have lead to the destruction and chaos that is my life?
Ive been told that I deserve all the misery that comes to me, how does one cope with a statement like that? All I've ever wanted was to do the right thing and lead a normal healthy life. Where did it all go so horribly wrong?
Why do i feel like the God of my understanding doesn't really care what happens to me?
Is there even a God out there?
Does anyone care about me?
Why do I feel so alone?
Thanks for reading.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
It feels like my entire life is a lie. I've hidden my true face from everyone, too sacred and ashamed of being rejected, of being alone of being judged.
How can I make decisions with confidence if every decision I've made in my past have lead to the destruction and chaos that is my life?
Ive been told that I deserve all the misery that comes to me, how does one cope with a statement like that? All I've ever wanted was to do the right thing and lead a normal healthy life. Where did it all go so horribly wrong?
Why do i feel like the God of my understanding doesn't really care what happens to me?
Is there even a God out there?
Does anyone care about me?
Why do I feel so alone?
Thanks for reading.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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